Malleable

I wish I was fluid, moved in and out with the current. I don’t, quite the opposite. I am a block, rigid in my frame, solid in my stature, terrified to move. I loathe the itch of someone’s awareness other than mine own, don’t come in, an intruder in this house built of solid walls. Cannot feel, cannot scream, cannot be; I am what I am, fearful and insecure. Everything you want, but I fear myself. I cannot be! I cannot breathe! I walk in shambles because I am no one! No one is everyone and I question who I am. Again; I am no one! I smile in profanity; its easier that way, no one really knows. To know would expose any vulnerability and feeling I have as a person, a feared emotion, and so I write. I write to sleep cause sleep is solace.

Kicking The Sugar Habit

Ever since I can recall I have been a fat kid fo’ lyfe! I love treats! My friend once joked that I should write a cookbook on how to make fat things fatter. I am the queen of suggesting you dip buttered theater popcorn in nacho cheese or that you melt butter with peanut butter, yes you read correctly, I am that disgusting, and spoon feed it to yourself or that you hollow out the center of pre-made cookie dough, place a caramel square in the center, bake, and then top the cookie with ice cream. I grew up eating dessert for breakfast and then snacking on donuts in between meals. In fact, I spend most of my days dreaming of hot fudge sundaes and often send my self into a pie coma right before bed. Desserts and sweets were off limit to sharing and if I for some reason felt generous that day, the portion was always two for me, one for you. I feel disgusted by the amounts of sugar I consume and have been feeling lately like somethings gotta give, and it can no longer be the buttons on my jeans. I wonder how I don’t have diabetes and fear that I am well on my way to acquire them or a host of other diseases related to eating atrociously. With that said, I have decided to try to kick the sugar habit to the curb. It is going to be hard and I don’t even know how long I will be able to forgo without relapsing, but I have consciously made up my mind to make a valiant effort. It is not going to be easy and I make no promises, but I do know that I want to feel better physically and mentally, and this is the first step. Stay tuned for details of my struggles and successes.