My chest hurts. Ice shards stab through the darkness and prick the surface. I am numb; my expression blank as I stare at the wall. I am afraid, I fear. What and when? Who is there, but a black crow devouring my brain, manifesting my thoughts, and pecking at my sanity until I reach delirium. There is a fog, a haze that warms and then suffocates, leaving a blinding mess and no recollection; I am lost. I lay there on the black pavement of a black night, the blackness thick, thick as tar, it coats my mouth, my nose, my ears, and my eyes so that I cannot feel; I cannot hear; I cannot see. I vanish, only to be discovered in a sloppy and sticky mess that cannot be cleaned nor purified. A deep contamination coerces through my veins, pumps my heart, and purges out of my temples, creating a fervent pulsing that relinquishes a dull drumming, it exists at all times and in all places. I am dazed, dizzy from the stench of uncertainty, it never stops. I cannot breathe, my chest hurts.
Month: January 2015
I <3 NYC!
I came across this photo today and couldn’t help, but stop and marvel at how awesome the art was. I recently moved to Chicago, within the past year, from NYC, and people are constantly asking me which I like better and I simply respond they are two different worlds. New York City is a machine and here are all the things that I love and miss about NYC.
-The mindset and drive of the people, no one can deny a New Yorker’s dedication and work ethic
-Bodegas and corner stores, from Fabuloso to Cup O’Noodles to Ben N Jerry’s to J Wrappers, you can pretty much get any thing you might need at any time you need it
– The pizza, I’ve tried Chicago deep dish and it doesn’t rival a New York slice – Flowers on every corner, at every grocery store, and bodega, all year long!
– Crossing the Brooklyn, Queensboro or Manhattan bridge, looking back over your shoulder and taking in the New York skyline, its breathtaking
– Train rides to Long Island for the Holidays, leaving the city every now and then keeps you sane
-The fact that New Yorkers live and breathe the “work hard, play harder,” lifestyle everyday, its not some cheesy cliche motto
– The sarcasm and wit that New Yorkers can throw at you anytime, its second nature and most appreciated by all parties involved
-The diversity, everyone has something better to bring to the table than the last person did
-Christmas in the city, how beautiful, even if you don’t believe, the spirit of the city will make you come alive -Park Slope and Central Park need no explaining
-The fashion, it keeps you on your toes, looking sharp, and no place compares, well except maybe Paris
-The tap water, seriously, tastes better than most “mountain spring” and bottled water, so fresh and so clean
-Puerto Rican and Dominican Spanish, which differs greatly from the Mexican Spanish I grew up with, the way they roll their words and speak so quickly makes me wonder what else that mouth might be good for
-A new restaurant and bar every night is a reality and option, I delight in the variety
-Reggaeton and Bachata, guilty I love it
-The MOMA, to this day my favorite museum -Rooftop parties, rooftop bars, beer gardens, patio dining, guest-lists, and dive bars; I like to party what can I say
– The friends that became my family, I miss you all everyday!
photo cred: @nickwalker_art
Roadtrippin Merrrrrica!!!
I recently took a road trip from Chicago to San Diego and here is what I saw. My first mistake: driving through 7 states with an estimated non-stop 30 hours of travel time, alone. Miraculously, I made it in a record 35 hours, which means, when I arrived at my parents house I was a tweaked out zombie.
Anyway back to the road. I started out doe-eyed with a fresh cup of coffee and perhaps a couple Adderall in tow, but that’s neither here nor there; probably just speculation in fact. I drove through Chicago, which was pretty uneventful. When I got to Iowa, I made a pit stop for gas. Holy mistletoe did I think I was somewhere in the bible belt the way these people were blaring Gospel readings from their stereo, God damnit, Jesus Christ himself could have heard it. All I know is I despised every one of those people and really wanted to tell them to get a new fucking hobby.
*Sidenote, drivers in the Midwest are the worst drivers I’ve ever experienced, they literally go the EXACT speed limit even if that means driving right next to a semi-truck for thirty minutes, never mind, that a roadrage-er like me is riding your ass, high beaming, honking, and of course to complete the cliche, flipping you off as I speed past.
Back to the story, I do at some point realize that I have been driving for 16 hours now and probably should pull over for a break. The back seat of my car it is, after all, there’s no way this jewbag is going to shell out $45 for a night at a Motel 6. My second mistake: thinking that I was going to fit in the backseat of my Altima, next to my infant sized suitcase, and stay warm with the paper thin fleece blanket I brought. While curled up, freezing and tossing, tales of a Jason masked killer knocking on my window danced around in my head, as I dreamt of this lunatic thrashing my window and chopping me up into a million pieces, I decided I needed to get out of there.
On through Colorado. My only regret with Colorado is that I was driving through at 4:30 a.m., not quite dawn and therefore, could not soak in its beauty entirely. I have to report that Colorado is gorgeous: the snow-capped Rockies, the constellations that appear crystal clear, the shooting stars I made wishes on, the sides of mountains that I drove through, and the Colorado River that hugged the route I was driving made it pretty remarkable.
*Sidenote, all those super sized porn stores you see are for truckers!
Another Adderral later, perhaps, and a fresh cup of coffee of course, and I was pumped up for Utah. I had EDM blasting and practically threw my back out by dancing while driving. As I looked out onto the cayenne colored canyons that occupy Utah, I suddenly break down. I’m doing the hyperventilating cry, snots running down my nose and into my mouth, I’m mumbling to myself how beautiful it is and missing my aunt so terribly that I can’t breathe, when I decide to light a cigarette and wash away my sorrows; that did the trick, back to the high energy music and back breaking moves. Utah was definitely a bipolar experience.
*Sidenote, it’s a problem when the dank smell of your own sweat and body odor from not showering starts to smell appetizing and makes you hungry.
I keep telling myself that if I can make it to Vegas I am invincible. By the time I reach Vegas I hate my life. Don’t get me wrong, I am an advocate for everything Vegas has to offer: prostitution (awesome), the hope you can win a million bucks off a couple quarters (delusional), droves of men who come for bachelor parties and are ready to make bad decisions (huge fan). However, that day I wanted the City of Sin to board the bus that I just so happened to be driving and go straight to hell. My brother tells me to stop and rest somewhere, that I’m making great timing, are you kidding me, stop now, out of the question. I power through, by the time I get home, my body has atrophied so that I have legs of a quadriplegic, my eyes resemble those of a raccoon’s, and I stink so bad that I have stopped smelling myself.
*Side-note, forget about Snakes on a Plane, the real nightmare is crying children on a plane.
In the end, the trip was unforgettable, there is nothing else like friends and family. Third mistake, when I left San Diego it was a mild 65 degrees and when I landed in Chicago it was a brisk 25. I guess that’s how the story goes though, back to reality, it’s inevitable, something that has to happen, but while you can, enjoy the moments that create memories that last a lifetime.
Red
It started with a red line; that extended into a blue line, doubled over and formed a white crack. This separated and conformed into a green circle that spun around and winded itself into a pearly and twinkling star. That, was soon stomped out into a square; stretched and dissected into an octagon that was red, but had no words. This ruptured into a stream of diagonals, running every which way. The lines converged at a point and left nothing, but a dot. The dot: absolutely meaningless. The dot convulsed, blistered, and seizured until all that was left was nothing, but a mere red line, left to connect all the transactions that had previously converged to form a dot, signifying nothing and everything all at once.
Wishlist
I was trying to compile a bucket list of all things grand that I wanted to achieve in my life, but alas I came up with a wish list instead.
-I’ve always been on the fence about whether or not I really want kids. I WISH that I could see what my kids would like like before they were actually born, it would solve the problem of me not loving them if they
a: had red hair or b: were ugly, I just couldn’t.
-I WISH that I had a tapeworm, hello it would be the best diet ever! However, I would only want it if I could poop it out, the irony, the leeches they would place around my mouth to draw the tapeworm out are what really disgust me.
-I WISH I was a dude for a day. I would bang mad bad bitches, line em up!
-I WISH that one of the following were my regular modes of transportation; a magic carpet, a unicorn or a centaur, clearly the last: 1/2 naked buff man and 1/2 who the hell cares, is the most desirable
-I WISH I was THE FOOTBALL, during any game actually; think about it, men in tights, sweat, balls, and sacks, you get the idea right?
-I WISH I was a fly on the wall, the video recorder, or do I dare say it, the condom (yep, I said it you sick bitch) during an intense Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling session (wink wink).
-I WISH that in my past life I was Bruce Lee and that in my next life I will be Khaleesi, Mother of Dragons.
-I WISH that wearing a catheter and an IV during a raging party night out was socially acceptable.
-Lastly, I WISH I was a little bit taller, I WISH I was a baller, because who doesn’t want to dunk!
For Lack of a Better Name 